Healer
by JolinarJackson
Summary: If she hadn't hesitated she wouldn't be here. If she hadn't hesitated, he would have never known.


**Healer**

_Series:_ Destiny's Faces

_Word Count:_ 1.184

_Snippet: _If she hadn't hesitated she wouldn't be here. If she hadn't hesitated, he would have never known.

_Characters: _Tamara Johansen, Vanessa James, Eli Wallace

_Pairing:_ TJ/Everett (hinted)

_Rating:_ PG_  
Spoiler: Air, Life, Justice, Space, Faith  
Setting:_ after _Space_

_Author's Note:_ Written for the _Women of the Gate_ prompt centered around _The first time …_ I'm answering the prompt _The first time TJ saw Lt. James cry_.

_Feedback:_ Can't breathe without it.

_Beta:_ Anne McSommers – thanks!

_Disclaimer: _I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show _Stargate Universe_ and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

She was beyond flattered, and a little voice inside her head told her that she should just go for it and think about the consequences later. But Tamara Johansen had never been one of the women who intentionally hurt someone just to feel a little better. And really, flirting with Dr. Caine would never lead to something more serious.

That didn't stop her from smiling when she left him to his thoughts on the observation deck. It had been far too long since the last time a man gave her that kind of attention. And it would have been easy to accept that drink and see where it would lead.

But she knew that she shouldn't drink with him. Not just because she would feel bad for it afterwards or because she knew that Vanessa had a crush a mile wide on Dr. Caine - but because of the thing she hadn't told a single person on the ship yet.

She didn't need a test to tell her the truth. She knew she was pregnant. It was Everett's baby. And that made things so much worse in the grand scheme of things. She'd tried to run away, to go to Seattle. She could have raised the baby and never told him about it. But she'd hesitated - she'd told herself that she would need just a few more days on _Icarus_ to be absolutely sure. She'd listened to Camile telling her to think about it once again, because she was wasting the opportunity of her life. If she hadn't hesitated she wouldn't be here. If she hadn't hesitated, he would have never known.

TJ sighed deeply and turned a corner. She stopped. A kino was floating in the air before her. "Hey, Eli!" she said.

"_Hey!"_ His voice was distorted by the kino, but he sounded so tired.

"What are you doing?"

Eli answered, _"Mapping the ship. Colonel Young's orders."_

"I thought you did that already."

"_It's big,"_ Eli answered.

TJ nodded. "Yeah, that it is."

She sounded bitter, even to her own ears, but Eli didn't call her on it.

"_Uh … listen,"_ he said hesitantly, _"Is everything okay with Lt. James?"_

TJ frowned. "Sure."

"_Okay, I was just … thinking … you know …"_

"Eli," TJ interrupted his stammering.

"_I wasn't spying! I swear. I was just mapping the corridor and she ran into me. She seemed kinda upset and sad." _

"Who isn't?" TJ sighed and Eli snorted, _"Yeah."_ He sighed. _"I considered going after her, but, you know, it could be … girl stuff."_

His voice grew softer towards the end and TJ laughed.

"Eli," she grinned, "you're cute."

"_Oh, just my luck. That's the second time a woman calls me that in a short period of time, and I'm afraid that both of them think of me as a friend only."_ He was chuckling but TJ detected a hint of sadness in his voice.

"I'll go after her," she said.

"_Great. You know, I just … oh, hey, Colonel Young."_

TJ heard Everett answer and then Eli said, _"Gotta go." _

The kino zipped away. TJ frowned, and went on. In the morning, Vanessa had seemed relaxed and happy. She wondered what could have happened that had changed her friend's mood that way. She didn't think that it had something to do with the aliens attacking them, because the crew had dealt with the problem.

Not only that, but Dr. Rush was back. TJ didn't know yet what she should think of it. Of course she was glad that Rush was still alive, but his presence was casting a strange light on the story Everett had told the crew. TJ had always thought that he was a good leader. But obviously he'd lied concerning Rush's death.

And TJ knew that Everett and the scientist were passionately hating each other. Rush didn't say what had happened on the planet, maintaining Everett's story of a rock slide.

TJ wasn't sure whether she wanted to know the truth. She stopped in front of Vanessa's quarters. She nervously brushed a couple of hair strands from the forehead, then she knocked.

"A minute!" Vanessa's voice sounded and TJ waited.

When Vanessa finally opened, she was wearing her tank top and khaki pants. And she looked as if she'd been crying.

"Hey!" TJ said cautiously, "Mind if I come in?"

Vanessa hesitated, then she nodded and let her in.

"Thanks," TJ said. She sat down on the edge of Vanessa's bed. The lieutenant was an orderly person. Nothing was out of place. But the bed was rumpled. "I'm sorry. Were you sleeping?" TJ asked.

Vanessa shook her head and smiled. It was false. "No, just … thinking."

TJ knew that Vanessa liked her privacy but she asked anyway. "Wanna talk?"

Vanessa crossed her arms. "Is this my psych evaluation?"

Everett had asked her the same thing just over two weeks ago.

TJ gave the same answer. "It can be." She hadn't managed to talk to everyone aboard, yet. Even Eli avoided her whenever she was on her way to sit him down. Vanessa hadn't talked to her, either.

The only other persons missing on the list were Matt, Everett, and Dr. Rush. Vanessa hesitated and TJ said, "Maybe it will help."

Vanessa sighed and sat beside her. New tears were gathering in her eyes, glistening in the FTL's shadow coming through the window. But they didn't fall. And she didn't speak.

"How are you doing?" TJ asked gently.

Vanessa gave a helpless laugh. "I'm okay, at least until I have time to think."

"It's hard being here, isn't it?" TJ asked, falling into her role of the therapist.

"It is." Vanessa nodded.

"Is there someone waiting for you at home?"

An image of her family came to TJ's mind unbidden and suddenly: Her parents, still so in love, her sister with her husband and the kids. She missed them so much it hurt.

But what would they say about her pregnancy? About her affair with a married man?

She was at a loss.

"My family's not that big," Vanessa answered, "I miss them like hell."

"No boyfriend?"

Vanessa shook her head. "I'm not the kind of woman men invite over to meet their parents." She wiped at her eyes. "More like the kind of woman they fantasize about." She shrugged and TJ swallowed, before she hesitantly put an arm around her shoulders. "I know that Caine likes you," Vanessa said.

TJ stiffened. "What?"

"He likes you a lot."

TJ shook her head.

"You're a nice couple."

"No," TJ said, "listen. It's not like that at all." And it wasn't. She thought that he was a nice guy. But she couldn't quite get over Everett, yet.

"He told me he likes you."

TJ sighed. "Yeah, well, too bad." She looked at Vanessa. "I'm off limits." She laughed. "Even if … I'm not interested, carrying too much baggage … you know."

Vanessa sighed and TJ stared into space.

_God what am I going to do?_ she thought.

"Thanks", Vanessa said.

TJ forced a smile. "No problem. That's what I'm here for."

END

JJ 04/10


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